Ingjoy
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[edit] Jokes
[edit] By Ingsoc Officer
What are the first words every human being ever hears?
“Congratulations, comrade! Your Party membership has been approved.”
What do you call a loyal Party member working with 200 gorillas and 10,000 skeletons?
A joycamp commandant.
What do they call football in Oceania?
Ingsoccer.
What did they call the prole sector before the Revolution?
London zoo.
What do you call 100 crimethinkers coming together?
A mass grave.
What's slower than a Victory car?
The waiting list.
Knock knock.
– Who’s there?
– Minnie.
– Minnie who?
– Minnie Love.
Knock knock.
– Who’s there?
– Minnie.
– Minnie who?
– Minnie Mouse.
– Really?
– No. Open the bloody door or we’ll knock it down, you traitor.
What do you call a prole with brains?
Almost vaporized.
How many Eurasian prisoners of war does it take to conduct a medical experiment?
None. But it takes at least one joycamp inmate.
How do you find someone who’s been vaporized?
Check the unpersonals in Times.
What’s the name of the MiniLuv news show?
Current affairs.
What’s green and Y-shaped and swings back and forth, back and forth?
A hanged Eurasian war prisoner.
How do you cure a crimethinker?
You don’t. Leave that to the Party, comrade.
What’s the price of freedom in Oceania?
One dollar. That’s the standard price for a razor on the black market.
What does it take to keep a prole happy?
A bunch of bananas and a tire swing.
Knock knock.
– Who’s there?
– Boo.
– Boo who?
– Save your tears for room 101, you traitor!
Knock knock!
– Who’s there?
– Thinkpol.
– Thinkpol who?
– Shut up, you traitor! We ask the questions!
What do you call a competent, hard-working and intelligent Party member?
Soon-to-be-purged.
An Oceanian citizen asks at a shop:
– What's this? You don't have any razors again?'
– That's not true! There are no razors in the shop across the street. We don't have shoelaces.'
(An old Soviet joke.)
One Thinkpol agent asks another:
– What do you think of our regime?
– The same as you.
– Then it's my duty to arrest you!
(An old Soviet joke.)
How do you say Patrick Henry’s quote “Give me liberty, or give me death!” in newspeak?
“Kill me.”
What’s flat and silent, and glows in the dark?
Colchester.
An Outer Party member saves up all his money to buy a car; it takes him ten years. Eventually he has enough saved and he goes down to his local Victory car dealer. He pays his money and asks when he can collect his car. The salesman tells the Outer Party member:
– You can collect it in 1998, comrade.
– What month?
– April.
– What date?
– The 4th.
– Morning or afternoon?
– What difference does it make? It's 16 years away, for crying out loud.
– But the plumber is coming in the morning, comrade…
(An old Soviet joke.)
What’s blue, white and red, and crawls on the floor?
A new guest in MiniLuv.
What’s grey, yellow and red, and squirms on a table?
An old guest in MiniLuv.
What’s green, black and red, and jumps five metres into the air?
One of our boys on the Malabar front stepping on a landmine.
There are five kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, Three-Year Plan statistics, MiniTrue communiqués, and Victory car insurances.
What goes up and down, up and down, but always up?
The chocorat.
What stays still, but goes up and down, up and down?
A Victory Mansion elevator.
What tastes rather awful vertically, but somewhat acceptable horizontally?
A Victory Cigarette.
What do you call an inefficient, expensive, and time-consuming offensive that ends in utter defeat but is declared a glorious victory?
A Victory Victory.
How do you know Thinkpol will raid your Victory Mansion?
They turn off the gas.
How do you know that you live in a Victory Mansion?
They turn off the gas for no particular reason all the time – but especially when Thinkpol is raiding the building.
Knock knock.
– Who’s there?
– So you think this is a joke, you traitor?
Which Shakespeare line may put you in a joycamp if uttered near a telescreen?
“Two B or not two B, that is the question.”
What’s the Miniplenty slogan for the new Victory teapot “Oceania”?
“Oceania, ‘tis for tea.”
What do you call a dangerous psychopath that would like to betray, torture and execute you?
Comrade.
What do you call the love of your life?
Big Brother.
How do you count down to rehabilitation?
100 Volts, 99 Volts, 98 Volts…
Knock knock.
– Who’s there?
– Very well. We have a joker in here, men. Use your truncheons.
How many Party members does it take to clean a public toilet?
None. That’s prole work.
